Side Effects

Side effect of mental illnesses
We are fully aware of the up and down of the rollercoaster, the darkness and how shy the light can be to come into our lives. 
The outburst that damages us, our relationship and hurt our loved ones. But usually mental illness never comes alone, because beside
affecting our surrounding, it also affects our brains which then our body reacts to it.
So let's bring those pieces to the table. First one that comes to mind is memory, seem like to survive, our brain sacrificed at time our short memory, or maybe long term one too, in order to keep the machine going. For example, if you ask me what I ate for breakfast, I can barely remember if I actually ate, which is crazy when I think that I used to remember every single detail of things. After talking to a few who are in the same boat as I am, it was mentioned to me that some of us, can't remember any childhood of their own kids.  I am fully aware that it must likely come with ''guilt trip''. When I think of my son first 2 years, it is very spotty and to realize that I got to this place due to my own doing, at time, bring some guilt and shame, which I believe normal.
About the elephant in the room, Sexual drive / Erectile dysfunction. God it was a hard one to be honest about. Truly, it shouldn't be hard to talk about it, but there is a manly, masculine aspect to it, the first thought that came up when I faced this issue was : I am 35 fucking years old... that thing should lift without issue. I shouldn't need any magic pills. From my perspective, it brought conversation as well at home, because since i wasn't honest to myself, I kept it hidden from my wife, who probably didn't feel desired. When truly it was the result of my mental health. Telling my wife was one thing but telling my doctor and therapist team was a totally different ball game. ''I am not a man... I lost that part of me'' which was BS but we are our own worst enemy. When I opened to it, I talked to others and was told that I am normal and was not alone in this mess.
let's finish with one that change my life, dissociation. Did you know that your body has a way to protect itself? Pretty simple, if you were a computer, it would be a full shut down. I found myself sitting on the couch, and the clock going through hours, without me realizing any of it. My wife talking to me, and I am playing statue. The reason why I investigated was crazy ; my wife was gone working, and it was at the beginning of my treatment, I was sitting on the couch, and I lost track of life, I was gone in dissociation world. My son, barely 1.5-2 years old, could have been Indiana Jones discovering our first floor. He decided to hold the safety gate to go up the stairs and to shake it until it fell on him. This is what I assume that happened, I will never know for sure, but I snapped back out of it and the safety gate was on him and he was laying on the floor. We were lucky that he had no injury and he started to go to daycare almost full week as I clearly couldn't take care of my baby.
The reason why I share those side effect, it is because I am fully aware that I am not alone, and I want you to know that you aren't.

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