This morning, I found myself sitting in the kitchen at counter. I was listening to my playlist ”soldier on”. It is not a sad playlist, but it reminded me of my serving time. I was drawing how I felt. I was not able to talk, to communicate with my wife. My vision became so dark that I could not see any colour. When she began to talk to me, concerned because I was staring at my drawing pad. I couldnt hear her. I heard the noise, but the words in English couldn’t be translated in my head.
My heart was pounding, my head racing, my body sweating, and my thoughts took a turn that I didnt want to. I am not crazy but all the positive thoughts in my mind dressed up with negative clothing. I started to beat myself. I re-read part of my book and I hated myself… I was wondering why I would show a side of me so weak, so fragile.
I know that those thoughts are hurting, I know they are not normal nor healthy. But I cant shut them up. I have to ride the wave, the rollercoaster.
I pray, even if i dont believe, that my son wont remember this time of his life.
Today, ”wired differently” takes a different turn. It is not about running towards the fight; it is being locked up in my own house. Today, It is my jail. Even, if in my hand, I hold the key, my brain stops me from letting me out.