Understanding

This is not me complaining nor whining about my state. I want to inform those who dont understand, I want to speak for the ones who cant. I want to help my case. I had a huge conversation with my wife yesterday and I realize that most of my state are not understood. Hell, I dont understand myself most of the time.
Understanding PTSD | What does PTSD mean? | How does PTSD work | Jon A. Archambault Author of Operation: Wired Differently
This morning, I found myself sitting in the kitchen at counter. I was listening to my playlist ”soldier on”. It is not a sad playlist, but it reminded me of my serving time. I was drawing how I felt. I was not able to talk, to communicate with my wife. My vision became so dark that I could not see any colour. When she began to talk to me, concerned because I was staring at my drawing pad. I couldnt hear her. I heard the noise, but the words in English couldn’t be translated in my head.

My heart was pounding, my head racing, my body sweating, and my thoughts took a turn that I didnt want to. I am not crazy but all the positive thoughts in my mind dressed up with negative clothing. I started to beat myself. I re-read part of my book and I hated myself… I was wondering why I would show a side of me so weak, so fragile.

I know that those thoughts are hurting, I know they are not normal nor healthy. But I cant shut them up. I have to ride the wave, the rollercoaster.

I pray, even if i dont believe, that my son wont remember this time of his life.

Today, ”wired differently” takes a different turn. It is not about running towards the fight; it is being locked up in my own house. Today, It is my jail. Even, if in my hand, I hold the key, my brain stops me from letting me out.

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