We signed up to fight evil monsters and to keep them away from our loved ones and to protect those who need protecting but over the course of our careers we have become those monsters . We have learned why they are monsters and in order to fight them we have adopted some of their characteristics. We had to…….for survival.
We learn to cage that monster only to be brought out when needed . Most of time it just sits inside us . This is the hard part ..
This is the struggle a lot of us have. The leashing and unleashing of this from within.
Call it what you want and there has been many labels associated to it but what is this mixed up state of hyper-vigilant sheep-dogging, monster caging warrior called ?
I have no idea but I wish I could control it better. This is not a turn on turn off situation . This runs through us . How did we get it ? Where does it come from ? No one in my family has it . Why me ? Have you ever wondered?
Some say we were born with it. Some say it developed from within . Some say an incident or experience caused it .
I find I spend a lot of time thinking about this as I get older . Not necessarily if I am suffering from something but more as In why am i so different and why do I look at things so differently compared to my girlfriend or daughter or friends in different occupations . Am I causing my own mental damage ? Can I change it ? No I cannot I’ve tried .
I’ve tried to relax off duty . I’ve tried to sit with my back to the door . I’ve tried to ignore the group walking towards me at night . I’ve tried not to look at everything going on around me .  It’s impossible !
I am prepared to deal with anything at any time . I’m not saying I am unbeatable and will  always be successful but I will not be surprised  and will always have a plan.
This is mentally exhausting
From Peter Lang

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